you guys were way drunker than both of me
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
