I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
