You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You can't just leave with hair like that
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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