Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
