Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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