she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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