Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
