my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Do vagina's smell?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
