I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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