the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
