Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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