either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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