Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
