I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize