You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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