i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
