You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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