I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
