I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
