Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
My vagina just clenched in fear
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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