Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
