I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
