Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
