I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
