official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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