if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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