Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
