hotel room ftw
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
