friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize