if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
