i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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