why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
