Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
