took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
