i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
