No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
