I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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