NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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