while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Found the puke drawer
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
