he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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