I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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