So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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