I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
