i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
