you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
