headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
