I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Why did my mother make you get naked?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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