I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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