I'm passing your future prison.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
