i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
there is glitter all over my balls
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