and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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