So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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