The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
