I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Randomize
