Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
