I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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