I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize